I've never been one to put up with much. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and God help you if you go after someone I care about. I consider myself to be pretty easy going; I don't take myself particularly seriously. But like anyone, I have certain hot button topics. They've definitely been whittled down as I've gotten older but some are still there.
There's this prevalent culture today that being friends means teasing each other, and I'm okay with that. Witty banter in which you poke fun at yourself as well as your friends can be a lot of fun. But there are lines. Some are general lines that you shouldn't cross until you know the people well and you know they won't be offended and some are individual to a specific person. We all have baggage that has changed us or scarred us in some way. Friends know those boundaries and respect them.
So at what point do you give up on someone? That guy in the group who doesn't hesitate to cross the line if he thinks it'll get a laugh. Who's so casually cruel and revels in the power of being able to upset people. It's mind-boggling to me that anyone can have such callous disregard for people's feelings.
As you might guess, I have someone very specific in mind here. I'm not saying that he's an egomaniacal sociopath* but I just don't understand. He's very smart and witty and funny and most of the time he's relatively inoffensive. But every once in awhile he'll sucker punch someone where he knows it'll hurt most just to get a laugh. It's appalling but people laugh as long as they weren't the target. And if the person looks upset or actually says something to him he just laughs and apologizes like it wasn't a big deal.
I just don't get it. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but I don't really think I am.
Over a year ago, a few months after I first met this guy, was the first incident. I didn't know him very well at all (we just had mutual friends), but he ended up calling me fat twice in less than 24 hours. The first time I let it go because he was drunk, but the second time I told him it wasn't okay with me in a pleasant non-confrontational way. My mistake was saying the phrase "That's two." To which his immediate response was to lean in my face and scream "FAT!" I don't really remember what I said after that but I had a smile on my face and tears in my tears through the conversation.**
The thing is, I normally wouldn't care much if someone joked about it, but I was at a low point and wasn't feeling great about myself so it really dug in. Besides which, this guy didn't know me well enough to have any idea whether I could take that kind of joke. As a general rule, you don't tease girls about being fat.
Since then, I got to know him better. I listened to him talk about his break-up when he was really upset because no one else would listen because he was essentially an idiot. He on occasion asked me questions about my life that went beyond the usual surface-y party chit chat. I would have listed him as one of my good friends.
A few months ago, he threw out a joke about me being fat again. That time after he did it, I had a long conversation with him about why it isn't okay to say things that you know will hurt people. He countered with that he's smarter than other people so he pushes buttons to make them become better people because he can see what they need to work on and they can't. He didn't see any problem with his behavior and showed no remorse.
Last night, he and his housemates hosted a Thanksgiving dinner. Awhile after dinner a bunch of us were sitting around in the kitchen talking when he said "I can make someone storm out of the room in a rage with one sentence. Wanna see?" Without really waiting for a response he looked at me and said "Hey, have you gained weight?" I didn't say anything and probably wouldn't have responded at all, but then he came over and hugged me. I don't particularly appreciate physical contact from people I don't like. So I grabbed him by the hair and pulled him out to the living room and had the following conversation:
Me: How do you have any friends?
Him: Because I'm charming.
Me: No, you're an asshole.
Him: So?
Me: Okay.
And I walked back into the kitchen and continued talking with my friends. Because you know what? He isn't worth it. Him intimating I'd put on weight didn't bother me (I've actually lost weight), it was the fact that his only intention was to hurt me. This person who says that he's my friend and doesn't understand why I don't tell him anything about my personal life. Who is so desperate to be the center of attention that he'll look bad as long as all eyes are on him but doesn't seem to understand that actions have consequences. Who I've tried so hard to like in spite of himself.
I was upset, I was a good friend, I had a rational discussion, I caused him some physical pain. Nothing made any kind of a difference to him. But it's not really my problem. You can't change other people, you can only make them want to change themselves, and I don't have room in my life for someone like that.
It's really disappointing because he can be a lot of fun and I was hoping he'd turn out to be a better person. And yes, I'm judging him. We all judge people. I try really hard to not judge people based on my codes of morals and ethics because everyone has their own and they should be held accountable to those, not mine. But this streak of deliberate cruelty is something that I don't think I can overlook.
So I decided I'm done. He can be whatever kind of person he wants to be, it's not like we have any ties other than mutual friends. He's been officially relegated to the role of "that annoying guy who hangs out with my friends." Which is annoying in and of itself since there was already someone holding the fort in that area. Now I guess there're two.
*Except I am.
**The thing that made it worse is that my boyfriend at the time stood there silently for the whole thing. (The guy was his friend.)
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